Monday, October 6, 2008

To Be or To Do.....Do Be Doo Be Doo....

Alright, a little fun and nonsense.

I lived with this guy in 1993-94 for almost exactly a year. I admit, I wasn't acting like Keeper material at the time and was upset when my cake wouldn't sit still for me to eat it. The Cake announced it was moving out one night after I got home from a Metallica concert.

I noticed on the phone bill almost a month later, that he had been calling his ex girlfriend who lived in NYC at the time.

She was just wild. And if I were into girls (not saying I've never been there but not so much after the teenage years - and I only attract bi-curious. The diehards avoid me), she would have been my type across the board. She was rail thin (which looking back made me identify her with a lanky male) and had this stick straight long hair that changed colors as she saw fit. You couldn't contain her at all. She transformed the air around her as she created her path with every step. People turned heads thinking she was some funky model. She was a much cooler Avril Lavigne (Sk8ter Boi days)a decade before Avril would be famous.

A couple of months later while he was back with her, he met me out for a round of drinks that escalated into angry arguments which of course equated brutally raw and pissed off sex.

So ha.

Only, as time went by and they also broke up, she and I hooked up as friends. Out at the club, shaking our white groove thangs (do white women have groove things? If we don't, please don't point this out to me - I like my myths and I'm still f*cked up over the Santa Claus thing), she leaned close into me and said she'd 'heard' about me. She'd heard? Heard what? Closer....drunk breath hitting me gently on the lips "About you and Jenn". Meaning, my ex told her that I did women.

Quick story about me and "Jenn". To annoy the humourless Cake during his Dungeons and Dragons game sessions, she and I would prance around the male company flirting with all of them. A bit distracting I suppose, he'd throw a $20 at me and tell me to go out for a couple of hours. Jenn and I, when not out, would go upstairs directly above the sacred game space and make ludicrous noises....pretending to be all involved in some sensuous act amongst ourselves. Then we'd go downstairs and laugh. Ha ha....bye guys.

This is where Cake got the big idea and passed it on to Funky Virgo woman who was in all possibilities, hitting on me.

I was flattered. She was my real life girl crush. And when I break it down, is a same sex crush really the person that you want to Be as opposed to Do? Now I'm a free spirit but she was soaring.

I was told by an onlooker on a different bar night that the two of us were talking so closely, the fact that we didn't kiss was a flaw. I remember that night. We talked about how Cake cheated on both of us with each other. Ha ha, *clink* let's toast. Later on she would tell me that Cake was never allowed to bring up either of us with the woman who is now his wife.

Same sex crushes. Who's yours? I could probably come up with a decent list. I'm going to be a bit obvious and throw Angelina on the the top of the list. Hey, she was there since a LONG time ago! I can't help if she's the inaugerated MILF leader.

Kate Hudson was another one of mine. I realized that when I'd say how much I liked her but hadn't seen a thing she was in. But I don't need crushes to really appreciate a woman's body. There are those women who's thighs I'd love to sink my teeth into, like a teething ring. Beyonce and Rhianna are tops there and if Britney were cleaned up a bit, yep, her too. I like looking at women with meat on their yes, Scarlett Johansson was Eye Heaven for me until she figured out what her hot potential was. Salma Hayek has crazy ass curves. Christina Applegate is gorgeous.

Let's hear it.


The Neighbor said...


Brad Pitt.

Harrison Ford.

Bill Murray.

Steve Martin.

I think character does it for me, except with Brad. That's just pure envy.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Boopila said...
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Boopila said...
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Whaupwit said...

I never had a boy crush list until I got married and had kids. Not that there is anything in the institution of marriage or my partner that makes me wonder about how the other team plays ball. I just never really had crushes on celebrity and have always been hot for real women I knew personally.

In recent years, I confessed to Boopila that a guy friend of hers had a boyfriend that I would chase if I leaned that way. I guess I am looking at it from a relationship perspective, or maybe he would nurture me, or maybe be a good provider... and boy-o-boy is he hunky.... ah, Sam...

Alan said...

Damnity-damn Damn. This is the post I've been trying to respond to for like, the last three years of my blogging life! I've tried to get this info from the last generation of Redeemable Life readers. DAMN. I should have KNOWN my Tribe would come through! No pun intended!

Now, mind you, my mancrushes really do me in. There are several I want to be, and some just turn me on. If I ever get it on with a guy, then I'll know better the answer to your exquisitely posted question, My Dawn. But for reals, right now, the men I have crushes on, I do so because I want to be them.

I heart Scott Ellis with a passion. He is found at Hard To Want. He's 6 ft something, with a hot wife and two wonderful sons. He's a two-fisted bear of a man who expresses himself passionately and adores his family. And I love the name "Scott." It's hardrock. It's like you have to say it with your feet apart and your fists clenched. "Scott!"

I adore our Ned. He has seduced me with his words of fire. Screen after screen of raw emotion and bone deep insight into the human condition. I haven't wanted amazing things for someone that I've never met more than I do this man. And then to see him through his own lenses--broody, slightly haunted, slightly empty--it's like a portrait by an masterful artist who is aiming to move his audience. But when someone else takes the picture--then aha!! Here is this tall, slightly stooped, humble man with a silent boy-genius charm and the wide grin of soft mischief. The difference between the two pictures unsettle me. It's just never been that stark for me. I love Ned like I want to love myself. It's definitely a crush, but it doesn't feel erotic.

I do crush on my friend Grim Jester in that "I wanna do you" way. Thankfully, he doesn't turn me on when he's around, because he'll open his mouth and say some dumbass, negative thing and then I want a divorce. But in the recesses of my fantasies, he's all Tarzan and I'm like the giant python that he has to wrestle if he wants to survive.

I crush on every single male underwear model pictured in full minimal display. (This goes for the muscle & fitness mag covers as well.) I want to be them. I want a trim waistline and broad shoulders. I want defined pecs and those ridgely rib bumps below the armpits. I want abs with a hair trail going down the middle. I want furry, muscly forearms. I want to be able to climb slowly out of a swimming pool after doing two or so dozen laps, and make both men and womens' jaws drop. I don't know why I want it. I just do.

And MOST oddly, the only celebrity I have a crush on, with the wide variety of them out there, is Hugh Jackman. But I can only watch him in action roles, like when he is Wolverine, or Van Helsing, or that magician who kept drowning himself. I couldn't, and still have not, watched him in the movies where he is the romantic lead exclusively. I don't want to see him stripped and being put on cinematic display for sexual purposes only. I'm not digging him for his sexual side. I'm digging him for his raw masculinity. The way he gnashes his teeth and growls and charges into danger and bears the pain and screams through it and survives the ordeal with steam curling off him.

Oh, and I have a crush on David A Price, my Lion of Comics Podcasting, because he has a smoldering growly voice that I think is hot! :-) shh! don't tell him I said so!

Mama Monster said...

You don't have to want to have a relationship with someone to enjoy being with them physically, so I don't think there's any contradiction between not wanting to date women but letting the chips fall where they may in other scenarios.
I don't do celebrity crushes, so all the girls I have crushes on are real live girls.