Wednesday, October 22, 2008

UnderArmour

I spelled it wrong (oops! that's actually correct!) on purpose, mainly because no matter who wears it, you look like a processed meat product. I refuse to wear mine without some sort of less-form-fitting garment over the top of it. I don't care who you are or how fit you are - it makes you look really really gross.

And it's not the most convenient of garments wither - it's a bit like climbing back into the womb, really. You look at it and you say - there is no freaking way I'm going to be able to cram myself into that thing. I have to take off my glasses for fear they will literally be crushed as I pop my head out the neckhole. My arms, not so bulging to begin with, come out the armholes toothpick thin.

I'll grant that it feels good once it's on and the seams are all aligned and everything - it feels tight and good and feels like, well, armor. It feels like protection of sorts. But when you try to take it off . . .

I'm a sweaty guy when I get a good workout in - kind of gross, really. Even to me. And UnderArmor - it becomes something much closer to Saran wrap than clothing once it's got some moist to it. I swear I'm going to suffocate one day and they'll find me 1/3 naked with my arms over my head, UnderArmor cocoon from armpit to hands - like Frodo without the arachnid component.

1 comment:

Alan said...

This is funny. My Hero wears this stuff under his superhero uniform. Once I was at his hotel door and he wouldn't let me in while he was wearing it. Mr. Modesty, he is. Every bit the boyscout. And I agree with you--it's not sexy at all. But it's hilarious to hear you tell it.

Also funny, in a strange what-is-a-coincidence-REALLY? kind of way, My Hero is a fierce sweat-er too. On the show he lost ten pounds from hyperhydrosis because his suit is basically a one piece scuba outfit. Rubber, basically with open leg holes. So his slick hairstyle that you see him with during the show? It wasn't hairgel. It was sweat.

MFTD also has hyperhydrosis. The paranoia he experienced from it once drove him out of a job, early in his career. I think he got botox injections to stop it. I'm not sure. But he has had plastic surgery in the past to address some of his insecurities, so I wouldn't be surprised if he took this option as well.

Sweat only adds to the masculine RRAARGH! of a dude as far as I'm concerned. Just have a spritzer of Axe handy and I imagine you'll be good to go!